A Consultant Heart Surgeon at the Freeman Hospital arrives at Geordie’s bed & draws the curtain
“How are you doing Mr Smith?”, he asks Geordie
“Wey not to bad Doctor ye knaa, cannit grumble”
“Well I suppose you could Mr Smith, I have been looking at your latest test results and you have a tremedous amount of damage to the arteries supplying blood to your heart,  can I ask if you smoke?”
“Wey ah have a couple a day ye knaa, nee more than 2 packets of backy a week though”
“I see, and how long have you been smoking”, asked the consultant
“Wey about 60 years now like”, replied Geordie
“So you started when you were were about 1 then”  replied the consultant wryly
“Nah Man Doctor ye cheeky bugger ! … I was at least ten or eleven like”

Bloke goes to see a geordie doctor, he says “doctor me armpits smell of coconuts” the doctor says “well they’re bounty”.

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
A Kangaroo is a Marsupial native to Australia
A Kangaroot is what a Geordie says if hes stuck in a lift.

Why did the Geordie get excited when he finished a jigsaw puzzle after 9 months?
It said 2-4 years.

Reckless Driver

A Sunderland fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Magpies supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Newcastle United jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“Climb in, Father. I’ll give you a lift!”

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a NUFC supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn’t see anything.

He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that Newcastle United supporter.”

“That’s OK,” replied the priest “Don’t worry. I got him with the door.”

Primary

A Primary School teacher explains to her class that she is an Newcastle United supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Newcastle United supporters, too. Not really knowing what an NUFC supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not a Magpies supporter.”

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“Why I’m proud to be a Sunderland supporter.”, boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Black Cats supporter.

“Well, My Dad and Mam are Black Cats supporters, and I’m a Sunderland fan, too!”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mam was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Mary, “I’d be a Newcastle United supporter.”