Words of wisdom from grandchildren

11 March 2021 by
Never trust a dog to watch over your food – Patrick, 10
When your dad is angry and asks, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him – Michael, 14
Never tell your mum her diet’s not working – Matthew, 14

Stay away from prunes – Billy, 9
Never pee on an electric fence – Robert, 12
Don’t squat with your spurs on – Sally, 11
Don’t pull your dad’s finger when he tells you to – Emily, 10
When your mum is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair  – Jane, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school homework – Lisa, 14
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac – Andrew, 9 
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk – Shane, 8
If you want a kitten, start off by asking for a horse – Naomi, 15
Felt tip marker pens are no good to use as lipstick – Lauren, 9
Never try to baptise a cat – Sam, 8

Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

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Wishing you a Happy 2021 – and 10 things to ponder for 2020

31 December 2020 by

1. The daftest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.
4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I told my dog…. We had a good laugh.
5. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national government policy, but here we are.
8. I need to practise social-distancing …. from the refrigerator.
9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow … for my trip out to the bins.
10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank wearing a mask and ask for money.

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Covid: a useful glossary of important terms

29 September 2020 by

As we are on the cusp of a second lockdown, the following neologisms are entering common use to help us all through the pandemic.

Coronacoaster

The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.

Quarantinis

Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. Fruit squash, bit of fizzy pop and that random bottle of booze from Spanish duty free all you’ve got to hand? Mix it up, pop a glace cherry on top and you’re good to go.

Locktail hour

‘Wine o’clock’ in the lockdown era, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week… and your virtual pubs seem to be opening from lunch onwards some days!

Blue Skype thinking

A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Being sat on your own sofa as they happen doesn’t make them any less uncomfortable, which was a surprise.

Sauce pot

You wanted to do more than just clap the NHS, but your arm was killing you after banging your pots and pans to out-din the neighbours every Thursday.

Coronials

Move over millennials, the future generation of babies conceived or born during quarantine will be the coronials. We will need to wait and see if every birthday cake will be a shoddily made and tasteless banana bread.

Furlough Merlot

Goblets of the grapey stuff consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working and trying to use this downtime to become a sommelier by watching hours of YouTube tutorials. Also referred to as “bored-eaux” and “cabernet tedium”.

Coronadose

An overdose of gloom from consuming too many news reports and government press conferences in a short time – in rare cases can trigger a “panicdemic.

The elephant in the Zoom

The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. Bad DIY haircut, bombsite house in the background, questionable facial hair or just doing the meeting in a towel as nothing fits anymore.

Quentin Quarantino

The dirge of the social media feeds, this attention-seeker is now making amateur films and comedy which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are. Most likely to have ‘discovered’ TikTok at some point in early April.

Covidiot

Someone who thinks sunbathing or driving several hundred miles to climb Mount Snowdon in their flip flops is more important than following Government advice.

Goutbreak

The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

Anti-social distancing

Using lockdown as the perfect reason to avoid everyone you don’t like – easier to apply to dodge a dull chat with the neighbours than wriggling out of a particularly tiring and tedious video call.

Coughin’ dodger

Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror and call 999 and beg for the ‘infected one’ to be locked up…

Mask-ara

If people can only see your eyes, you better make them ‘pop!’ before venturing out in public wearing a surgical mask.

Fattening the curve  

It doesn’t matter how many Joe Wicks workouts you do, it won’t cancel out all the banana bread, quarantinis and general comfort eating and drinking… but who cares, normal rules don’t apply during lockdown! 

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Notice in a French Church (translated)

14 March 2020 by

To lighten the mood a little in these dark times.

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Filed Under: Fun

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The Green Thing

18 September 2019 by

Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags were not good for the environment.

The woman apologised to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young cashier responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

The older lady said that she was right our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things.

Most memorable besides using them for household rubbish bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalise our books on the brown paper bags.

But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then. We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go around the corner. But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then we washed the baby’s nappies because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning at 240 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.

Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Yorkshire.

In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.

We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right: we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a tap or a street siphon when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the tram, trolley or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s £45,000 SUV, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.”

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest chip shop.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

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Seenager

21 February 2019 by

I just discovered my age group!
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 to 70 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own place to live.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.  I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?
And I don’t have acne.
Life is Good!
Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.  So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

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Simon Says

31 July 2018 by

A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
 Just one, but he has to do it ten days, three times a day.

Simon looks out the front of the chemist and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman whats the matter. She replies ” I saw it said ‘Shake Well’ after I took it”.

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Chairman Simon’s Mirth Prescription

23 May 2018 by
A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said,
“Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, ‘I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! They’ll throw both of us in jail!’ The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. “What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?” So he tells his assistant “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his assistant, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

“Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies “Your house.”

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Chairman’s Reindeer Droppings

26 November 2017 by

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony play station

What do you give a Reindeer with an upset stomach?
Elk- a- seltzer

What do you call a Reindeer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call Reindeer with no legs and eyes?
Still no idea

What do you call a Reindeer with three eyes?
A Reindeer

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Piggy Fun Time from Mark

25 October 2017 by

I was reading a book on pig anatomy the other day.
It was all pretty standard until I got to the end.
Then there was a twist in the tale.
Did you hear about the pig with laryngitis?
He was disgruntled.

A pig invited me around to see his new home.
I was surprised – it was actually quite sty-lish.

One day a little pig walked into a bar. He asked the bartender for a beer, and after drinking it he asked where the toilet was.The bartender told him where it was and off walked the pig.

Then another little pig walked in and he also asked the bartender for a beer. After drinking it, he too asked where the toilet was. Once again the bartender gave him directions and off walked the pig.
Then yet another little pig walked into the bar and asked for a beer, which he drank. Then the bartender asked him, “Don’t you want to know where the toilet is?”
The pig replied, “No, I’m the little pig that went wee wee wee all the way home”.

Filed Under: Fun

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