A Consultant Heart Surgeon at the Freeman Hospital arrives at Geordie’s bed & draws the curtain
“How are you doing Mr Smith?”, he asks Geordie
“Wey not to bad Doctor ye knaa, cannit grumble”
“Well I suppose you could Mr Smith, I have been looking at your latest test results and you have a tremedous amount of damage to the arteries supplying blood to your heart,  can I ask if you smoke?”
“Wey ah have a couple a day ye knaa, nee more than 2 packets of backy a week though”
“I see, and how long have you been smoking”, asked the consultant
“Wey about 60 years now like”, replied Geordie
“So you started when you were were about 1 then”  replied the consultant wryly
“Nah Man Doctor ye cheeky bugger ! … I was at least ten or eleven like”

Bloke goes to see a geordie doctor, he says “doctor me armpits smell of coconuts” the doctor says “well they’re bounty”.

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
A Kangaroo is a Marsupial native to Australia
A Kangaroot is what a Geordie says if hes stuck in a lift.

Why did the Geordie get excited when he finished a jigsaw puzzle after 9 months?
It said 2-4 years.

Reckless Driver

A Sunderland fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Magpies supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Newcastle United jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“Climb in, Father. I’ll give you a lift!”

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a NUFC supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn’t see anything.

He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that Newcastle United supporter.”

“That’s OK,” replied the priest “Don’t worry. I got him with the door.”

Primary

A Primary School teacher explains to her class that she is an Newcastle United supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Newcastle United supporters, too. Not really knowing what an NUFC supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not a Magpies supporter.”

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“Why I’m proud to be a Sunderland supporter.”, boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Black Cats supporter.

“Well, My Dad and Mam are Black Cats supporters, and I’m a Sunderland fan, too!”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mam was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Mary, “I’d be a Newcastle United supporter.”

Vladimir Putin, who as we know, is always wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina
puts her hand up and says “I have two questions”

“Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?”

Putin says “Good questions” But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says “I have Four questions”
“My Questions are –

Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
And where is Alina?”

A Poem for old rugby players………..

When the battle scars have faded
And the truth becomes a lie
And the weekend smell of liniment
Could almost make you cry.

When the last rucks well behind you
And the man that ran now walks
It doesn’t matter who you are
The mirror sometimes talks

Have a good hard look old son!
The melons not that great
The snoz that takes a sharp turn sideways
Used to be dead straight

You’re an advert for arthritis
You’re a thoroughbred gone lame
Then you ask yourself the question
Why the hell you played the game?

Was there logic in the head knocks?
In the corks and in the cuts?
Did common sense get pushed aside?
By manliness and guts?

Do you sometimes sit and wonder
Why your time would often pass
In a tangled mess of bodies
With your head up someone’s……?

With a thumb hooked up your nostril
Scratching gently on your brain
And an overgrown Neanderthal
Rejoicing in your pain!

Mate – you must recall the jersey
That was shredded into rags
Then the soothing sting of Dettol
On a back engraved with tags!

It’s almost worth admitting
Though with some degree of shame
That your wife was right in asking
Why the hell you played the game?

Why you’d always rock home legless
Like a cow on roller skates
After drinking at the clubhouse
With your low down drunken mates

Then you’d wake up – check your wallet
Not a solitary coin
Drink Berocca by the bucket
Throw an ice pack on your groin

Copping Sunday morning sermons
About boozers being losers
While you limped like Quasimodo
With a half a thousand bruises!

Yes – an urge to hug the porcelain
And curse Sambuca’s name
Would always pose the question
Why the hell you played the game!

And yet with every wound re-opened
As you grimly reminisce it
Comes the most compelling feeling yet
God, you bloody miss it!

From the first time that you laced a boot
And tightened every stud
That virus known as rugby
Has been living in your blood

When you dreamt it when you played it
All the rest took second fiddle
Now you’re standing on the sideline
But your hearts still in the middle

And no matter where you travel
You can take it as expected
There will always be a breed of people
Hopelessly infected

If there’s a teammate, then you’ll find him
Like a gravitating force
With a common understanding
And a beer or three, of course

And as you stand there telling lies
Like it was yesterday old friend
You’ll know that if you had the chance
You’d do it all again

You see – that’s the thing with rugby
It will always be the same
And that, I guarantee
Is why the hell you played the game!

Have a good weekend and a merry Festive Season, see you at Big Game 7?

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back together, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

How is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the
same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Right, get that condom on, she says.

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.

“To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are
doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector.”

And what were you thinking ?

I worry about you sometimes

Some not quite 100% PC so please forgive that.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,

So I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Fred says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .

”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid ……. then I was petrified.

The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists.

I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday.

But it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.

He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”

Fred says to Mick:

“What ya talkin to an envelope for?”

“I’m sending a voicemail, ya thicko!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Hints on how to liven up your idle senior hours…
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars…watch ’em Slow Down!

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ‘ For Marijuana’!

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go…

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It’s called ‘therapy’!