Mother’s Driver’s License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

‘Mummy’, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’.

‘OK’, the little girl says,
‘What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’

‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business’.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

‘My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend,
‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.
It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?’

‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.’

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,

‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘

‘Is it common?’

‘It’s not unusual.’

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’

‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’

‘No, because he’s really heavy’

14. Guy goes into the doctors. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.’

‘How’s that?’

‘Don’t you start.’

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’

I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it..’

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bastard!’

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’

The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore .“

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD ? At the doctor’s
* BFF ? Best friends funeral
* BTW ? Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT ? Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM – Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC ? See You at the Senior Center
* DWI – Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA – Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL – Living on Lipitor
* OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT – Texting on Toilet
* WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help.

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

A Yorkshire Treat

A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

“Did you smell that food?” she said, “It’s wonderful.”

Being the ‘Kind Hearted Yorkshireman’, he thought,
“What the heck, I’ll treat her.”

So they walked past it again…..

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago,
my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed..
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time,
his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don’t really just don’t care anymore,

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the top dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE ?

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘Do you know which ward she is in?’

‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’

‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’

‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’

‘I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘I’ll just check her notes. I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’

‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy, thank you ever so much!’

‘You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?’

‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. Nobody tells you any f**king thing in here.’

Actually, it’s a bit of a pain in the ….

Sent in by Ed Nelsey

Sent in by David Kirkham

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife – Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone – Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner – Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different – Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions – More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car – Sheila’s Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird – Privileged.

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union;

Sex with your maid- Employer’s Liability.

Sex with an OAP – Saga !

Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident

and finally

Sex with a transvestite – confused.com !

Thanks to Ed Nelsey for this